I’m not quite sure what’s going on with me at the moment. It feels a bit like being in a glacial breakdown. Nothing sudden, just a gradual compounding of things. I’ve never been the best sleeper but now it’s hard to come by even a few hours. When I do, it doesn’t seem to make me feel any less tired. My heart pounds near constantly, I feel disconnected and disinterested in the world and have seem to almost totally have lost my focus. Whenever I drink, I get angry and argumentative rather than a bit dopey and loved like is my normal mode, which scares me a little bit.
Worst of all, there’s one deadline I seem to be consistently missing, and it’s the most important one I have. This is what feels most uncharacteristic – I usually never blow deadlines, I make it point of pride but this one keeps trailing on. I feel absolutely terrified of this and whilst I’ve cleared my schedule and make myself sit down to do it, it doesn’t happen so I’m spending lots of time “working” but not, all the while pissing off lots of people around me. Obviously, this isn’t great and I don’t want to blow the good things that are happening for me right now. I know in creative life that times like this are going to happen and dedicating myself to writing was certainly the best decision I’ve ever made, but letting this drag on isn’t an option.
To try and sort this, I’ve introduced a few more routines back into my day and forced myself up every morning now by finding something to do that in which I’d be letting someone down if I didn’t turn up. More formal work hours and wiping a few minor deadlines off my calendar should help get some focus back. Pulled the drinking right, RIGHT back and will try to give myself and little bit of slack in general and see if I can enjoy the variety of London a bit more than I’m currently doing.
The Made From Scratch Festive night is tonight and I can’t wait to see it. I’ve resolved to finish my deadline before I get there. That would be a great first step, I think.