I’ll try not to be too florid with this.
Last night, as I tried to sleep, I feel It descending on me, cooly pressing like a thick slab of glass. My chest tightens, I feel sick and know this will be the first of many sleepless nights.
I sensed it was coming, and begged for it not to happen: “Please not now, I’m happy, it’s all going well and I’ve got a lot of big decisions to make…”. But it doesn’t know, so it cannot care and here at daybreak it sits on my still. This heaviness will hold over everything for the next few days, its gravity distorting everything positive that passes by.
This uninvited, but familiar, mindset has already slipped into its grooves. My efforts seem futile, people seem deluded, the future seems so insufferably long. This, It, it takes you and basically turns you into a cunt. Simply a morose one if I’m lucky and run with it, but the strength of good feeling before means this will probably be the “hectic cunt” version, trying to overcompensate for It. Frantic, almost feral, but just wanting to be fun. I will fail at this and just come off as a weirdo.
I’m sorry if I am, I’m trying not to be. Light and breezy, that’s what people want, not heavy, not hot and cold like I must always seem to run. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to. I’m trying my best to feel as consistently as I can.