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The Pains of Being An England Fan

“Fuck you, you bunch of cunts!” shouted Wayne Rooney down the camera barrel. Well, he wanted to say something like that, you can tell but he managed to retain some composure when blasting England fans and their booing antics after last night’s dismal draw with Algeria. I wanted to throw up on my shirt (or I felt like I was going to anyway – it turned into that sort of evening).

Naturally, message boards were rammed with back and forths on whether it’s right to boo your team. Normally, I would side with those who suggest that like with an actor, booing them when they’re performing badly won’t really improve a performance. HOWEVER – last night was probably the worst I have ever seen England play in my adult life. That might seem like outrageous hyperbole – after all, England have turned in a variety of terrible performances. But during those, they did at least just look clueless and completely one note. Last night, the basics abandoned them: they couldn’t play a short pass without you getting worried, their movement was slack and they were unforgivably casual. I’m not going to focus on lambasting them but, in a moment of self-promotion, link what happened on the pitch with my own pitch (see what I did there?) for a football ‘documentary’.

Watching the players after the game, they seemed lost. I got the impression that they felt like they’d done their best but nothing came off for them. That’s why the booing got to them so much – to them, it wasn’t a matter of effort that was the issue. It felt predestined (My football team, Racing Maylan, know this feeling unfortunately well). In such instances, wouldn’t the incident that I’m proposing in my er…proposal be likely? When it comes to crunch time, the players know that they and their country would take a result over a performance. And yet even so the fans will come for them. We have real trouble accepting that we’re just not that good (Will Hunting). With every year that passes, the ‘smaller’ teams get better, thanks to increasing prosperity and investment in the game. This means there are so many more places where ‘big’ teams can slip up. At this World Cup alone, Switzerland and Serbia have humbled fancied teams Spain and Germany in a way that throws both their groups wide open.

This is all a long way of me saying I sent my application off to Coming Up 2011. Stay tuned.

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